If you attend church today, I can almost guarantee that you've heard this cliche spouted about a hundred thousand times.The first thing that went through my head when I first heard that must have been something like "Yeah! I like the idea of having a relationship with God. I know that he is a loving God, so why wouldn't I want a relationship, over following rules from a book or a pulpit?". And that was that. I'm sure most of us Christians have a similar first experience with those words. It's one of those sentences that I find myself agreeing with in my gut, pushing to the back of my brain as words to live by, and never processing fully.
Life goes on, people get married acquire kids and mortgages, go to church on Sunday, sometimes read our Bible and everything seems fine, or even better than fine. Until life hits a low: our marriage falls apart, we can't afford our bills, our kid has to go to the ER because they shoved a penny up their nose, emergency surgery and the bills keep coming in, the car breaks down. So we turn to God, and we can't help but feel like we don't know who he is.
So much for a relationship. Sometimes, it feels as though God isn't even there. With the exception of the time we could have sworn we felt him at that one retreat, or the occasional great message last Sunday, or in that one particular worship song. That's not how I want to experience God. When I agreed with the idea of a relationship with God, I didn't mean a relationship like a distant father who's only there when he's not too busy with work, who ducks out of my life when things get rocky. That's the kind of relationship that causes holes in my identity, not one that strengthens it. So we get to this place where it feels like God isn't there and we wonder if the religion would have been better than the relationship.
It feels wrong to admit that this relationship with God isn't what I wanted.
What I'm about to say is really important. God doesn't want that kind of relationship either. Take a second to read that again.
Lately I've been reading through Genesis. It's funny how I always just read through it as the story of creation and the beginning of sin. Much like that cliche sentence, I have always just agreed with it on the surface, pushed it back into the back of my brain, and never processed it fully. Genesis is not just the story of creation. It is the story of how God originally designed us as human beings; his original plan for relationship with us, and the beginning of a separation of that intimacy. In Genesis, God literally walked side by side with Adam and Eve. He had such intimacy with them that they didn't even realize that they were naked. They had absolutely no shame. They were his and he was theirs to such an extent, that they didn't even have a basic comprehension of good or evil or even that they existed. They just lived knowing who God is completely and being satisfied with his provision. They know him in all that he is. They trust him in all that they are. They never worry about anything. They just are who they were created to be.
So how does that compare to my relationship with God? Side by side, my relationship to God looks nothing like that.
Here's how relationship with God plays out in my life. When things are going well in life, I pat myself of the back. I look at the hard work I've done and congratulate myself. And it's easy to look at God and give him the finger guns and a wink and say "Hey buddy. Things are going great. I got this. Thanks for coming to my game to support my win!" When things are in the middle, I tend to think, "I feel like I should spend more time with God, but I'm busy. Okay, let's be honest, I'm not busy I'm just lazy. God was there for my star game, he's still hanging around here somewhere to support me. I just saw him the other day at church. I'm good for now."
And then life gets bad. It is at this point that I feel like I need God. Like REALLY need him. Here we are back to then second paragraph. I am at this place where it feels like God isn't there and I start to wonder if the religion would have been better than the relationship. I start to doubt that God even wants a relationship with me in the first place. I remember seeing him at my big game, but I told him to just sit in the bleachers and cheer for me. I remember seeing him on Sundays on stage and feeling like it was good enough. But I don't remember what it feels like to feel like he's close. I start to doubt that he even wants to be close. And that doubt only leads to one of two conclusions:
1. God doesn't want a relationship with me because he's vindictive, judgmental, and all around unloving. He's distant and prefers to just sit back and see how things play out.
2. God just doesn't want a relationship with me specifically because I'm not good enough.
Assuming that the life we've been experiencing so far is the relationship that God designed us for, those conclusions are correct. Let's backtrack for a second. Do you remember when I said that I pushed that nice sounding phrase from the beginning of this blog to the back of my brain and never fully processed it? Well, we are going to take a moment and process that phrase now.
"It's all about relationship, not religion."
Here's the definition of relationship, according to the Webster dictionary.
1: the state of being related or interrelated <studied the relationship between the variables>2: the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: such asa : kinshipb : a specific instance or type of kinship3a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings <had a good relationship with his family>b : a romantic or passionate attachment
I'm going to take a moment to be raw and admit that how I typically do life with God does not in the least resemble any part of that definition. Here I am wondering why it seems as though God is distant when things get difficult, and I when I look back, I realize that he's not even close when I'm winning in life. I've reserved a really confortable seat for him in the bleachers for when I'm winning, and an easy lazy position for him on stage at church for when I'm feeling flat. It's easy to accuse God of being a distant father when I never choose to let him close, in any stage of life. I wonder why I never hear his voice when I don't place him in ear shot.
I want a relationship with God that is like Adam and Eve had in the beginning. I want to learn to trust God when things are amazing. I want to learn to choose him when things are blah. I want to learn to know him so well that I don't doubt his character when things get difficult.
We so often settle for the kind of relationship where we ask for signs instead of real words. "Just wave from the bleachers, God! So I know you're still there." How good of a marriage would a couple have if they treat their relationship with each other like we treat our relationship with God?
"Leave the front door open if you want me to come in the house after work. Otherwise, I'll just assume you don't want me in the house and I'll sleep in the car." "Well, the door was closed, so I guess it's not meant to be." "Oh, it must me what my spouse wants because I asked him/her to leave the door open if they wanted me there."
"I really need to get a new TV, but I'm not sure if we have the finances. If you think I should start looking, just leave the front porch light on and I'll take it as a sign."
"I don't really want to hear you tell me not to stay out until 2am with my work friends, so I'm going to do it and if you don't like it, instead of speaking to me, you'll have to come find me and drag me away. That way I know for sure that it's what you want."
"Gee, I don't really know what my wife thinks about having kids. I've never heard her voice before, so I just have to guess."
That is ridiculous. No one in their right mind would call that a relationship. It's about time that we look at our "relationship" with God and consider if it can even be called a relationship at all! We aren't meant to have a distant knowledge of God as if he's a celebrity. We aren't meant to just read about him in the Bible and assume that it's as close as we are aloud to get. The Bible is a wonderful tool for learning who God is as a being, his character and much more. But without a real relationship with him, the Bible is just words. Words that are true, but without really knowing God, truth easily becomes "alternate truth". We are meant to talk to God, to hear his voice in many different ways, to spend genuine time with him, to walk next to him with such intimacy that we know him completely; that we are naked and completely known by him.
The way we currently do life with God is not satisfying. It is not life giving. I can say confidently that it is not what God intends for us. All you have to do is look deeper into the story of Adam and Eve. He designed us to trust him so deeply that we can walk completely naked in God's presence and trust him. So that we worship and adore him for his provision in the good times, we desire him with the utmost vigor when we feel flat-lined, and we go to him for comfort and with complete trust when things get difficult.
So where to start? You already have. Your desire for an actual, genuine relationship with God is the beginning. Next, start spending time with him. Communication is a huge part of relationships. Start by praying, asking God to speak to you through the Bible to start with, write letters to God as if you are in a long distance relationship. Spending time in God's presence takes practice. You won't feel close to him at first. You may need to work through a lot of shame before you can stand naked in his presence. You may need to learn to listen better. You may have to relearn God's character before you trust his voice. You might have to learn about lies that you've believed about yourself or God before your relationship takes off. Just as in relationships with other people, intimacy takes time. It takes working through our baggage.
Every aspect of a regular relationship here on earth applies to a relationship with God. You have to choose to spend time with him, learn to listen, discover his character, learn to recognize the characteristics of who he is, learn to be honest about yourself and how to feel and learn to hear and process how God feels. Go on coffee dates with God. Learn his sense of humor. Spend time with him and your closest friends. It takes intention. It takes time. Let me say that last part again. It takes time.
And finally, don't settle for anything less than full intimacy with Him, the way that he intended from the very beginning.
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